About That Bomb
by D-Tepes
Summary: A very odd day in LA... post 'Orpheus,' with Xander having gone with Willow.


ABOUT THAT BOMB.  
  
A BtVS/ATS crossover  
  
By: D-Tepes and Bastard Snow (See: Favorite Authors for his own stories)  
  
Summary: An odd day in LA.  
  
Spoilers: General S7 and before for Buffy, up through Orpheus S4 for Angel  
  
A/N: An AU S7/S4. There is no First in Buffy. Potentials are there cuz the Council blew up, and Giles is trying to re-start it in Sunnydale. Andrew is around for no apparent reason, and the cat lady still went on a date with Xander. All the stuff up to Orpheus happened in Angel, except that Cordy's not evil or pregnant. She and Connor went at it the one time for the reasons Cordy said. Xander has accompanied Willow to the Hyperion Hotel, and Angel's soul has just been restored.  
  
A/N 2: We don't much like Connor. We think that comes through well.

* * *

Interior: Hyperion Hotel  
  
Everybody's kind of milling around, not doing much, chatting amongst themselves. Xander and Fred are talking.  
  
Xander: "You know, you're the first normal girl I've met, in maybe, ever."  
  
Fred: "Really?"  
  
Xander "Yeah, I know Slayers, demons, ex-demons, witches, an inter- dimensional key, and Cordy... and she's, well, Cordy... and now a former higher being. Oh, wait there was Nancy earlier this year, but she got freaked about her boyfriend being turned into a worm demon, and I really don't think she's going to call."  
  
Fred: "If I'm the most normal girl you know I think you need to get out more."  
  
Xander: "I get out plenty, but usually it's to kill stuff. You only attract a certain type of girl when you do that."  
  
Faith walks up  
  
Faith: "The wrong type of girl, ain't that right, Boytoy?"  
  
Xander: "Only when you aren't around Faith. Fred, let me give you some advice. If you ever see somebody getting their ass beaten by one of the Sisters of Jhe... do NOT hit the demon with your car."  
  
Faith: "Hey!"  
  
Xander: "On second thought, hit the demon, take the girl to her motel, then RUN."  
  
Faith punches him in the arm.  
  
Faith: "It wasn't that bad."  
  
Xander: "It wasn't bad at all, there just wasn't enough."  
  
Faith: "I thought that was supposed to be my line."  
  
Xander: "There was plenty, but it's not my fault how much space there was to move."  
  
Fred: "Um... I think I'm going to go research something now."  
  
Faith: "Never had any complaints before."  
  
Fred: "Over there."  
  
Xander: "Never let them stick around long enough to complain!"  
  
Xander and Faith continue to argue loudly.  
  
Angel (to Wes): "Wes, do they remind you of anyone right now?"  
  
Wes: "It's tugging at a memory."  
  
Angel: "That's how he and Cordy used to act before they'd find a broom closet."  
  
Gunn: "Ten bucks says they're going at before they go home."  
  
Angel: "Sucker's bet"  
  
Willow walks in and sees the argument.  
  
Willow: "Oh god, it's like she's Cordy."  
  
Angel (grinning): "That's what I said."  
  
Wes: "Ten dollars says he's limping on the way home."  
  
Connor (jealous): "He used to date Cordelia?"  
  
Willow: "Mostly they just made out, but they dated until..."  
  
Angel: "Until Spike."  
  
Willow: "And, kind of, me."  
  
Wes: And a steel rebar.  
  
Xander: "Don't forget Spike!"  
  
Connor: "What did you do to her?"  
  
Xander: "It was Spike!"  
  
Angel: "Well, it was also you."  
  
Xander: "Stay out of this, Deadboy!"  
  
Gunn: "Deadboy?"  
  
Wes: "It's what he called him."  
  
Gunn: "And he's still breathing?"  
  
Wes: "He had the protection of a Slayer."  
  
Gunn: "Can I get me some of that?"  
  
Xander: "I could have handled Deadboy myself."  
  
The whole gang gives him incredulous Looks  
  
Xander: "Angel... Hospital... Buffy... Remember?"  
  
Willow: "What?"  
  
Xander: "Crap, never mind Willow."  
  
Angel: "I could have gotten past you."  
  
Faith: "No, I want to hear this."  
  
Xander: "I said never mind."  
  
Wes: "I never heard about this."  
  
Fred: "I'm kind of interested."  
  
Xander: "And my big mouth strikes again."  
  
Angel: "Buffy was in the hospital, Angelus came to visit her."  
  
Cordy (walking in): "Was this when I brought you the Krispy Kremes?"  
  
Xander: "Yes, it was the Krispy Kremes. I told Angelus to leave."  
  
Angel: "No, you dared me to try getting past."  
  
Xander: "Potato, po-tah-to"  
  
Gunn: "Wait wait, threatened Angelus? What, were you holding the true cross or something?"  
  
Angel: "He didn't have anything."  
  
Wes: "And he's still alive? How is this?"  
  
Xander: "I had my wit and... balls?"  
  
Angel (chuckling): "I could smell the fear on you."  
  
Faith: "I'd like to know how the balls are still attached then."  
  
Wes: "And yet, you didn't attack."  
  
Angel: "There were cops."  
  
Connor: "Why'd you stand against him unarmed?"  
  
Xander: "I didn't have a choice.  
  
Wes: "You were afraid of the police?"  
  
Angel: "Well, no, I could have taken them."  
  
Xander: "Must have been the orderlies, then."  
  
Wes: "You were afraid of the orderlies?"  
  
Angel: "Wes, you wouldn't have been afraid of the orderlies."  
  
Faith: "If you weren't afraid, why'd you leave?"  
  
Angel: "He had a... look."  
  
Everyone but Xander: "A look?"  
  
Cordy: "Did this have to do with Buffy?"  
  
Xander: "A little."  
  
Cordy: "And this was when we were dating? You idiot!."  
  
Angel: "He still loved her. I called him on it."  
  
Xander (to Angel): "You called me on it, like when I had to call you on it to help me save her life from The Master?"  
  
Cordy: "And you denied it, right?"  
  
Xander looks down, ashamed.  
  
Cordy: "RIGHT?"  
  
Xander: "Well I had to do something!"  
  
Connor: "You dated Cordelia when you loved somebody else?"  
  
Xander: "There's many kinds of love..."  
  
Connor, getting angry: "It's not right to date people when you love others."  
  
Willow: "Well, it's not that uncommon..."  
  
Xander: "I loved Buffy too, that didn't mean that I didn't love Cordy."  
  
Cordy (to Willow): "Nobody's asking you, homewrecker."  
  
Connor: "Homewrecker?"  
  
Xander and Willow: "Hey!"  
  
Cordy: "She's who I caught him making out with... before I got a rebar through my stomach."  
  
Connor: "You loved one girl, you dated another and were 'making out' with someone else?"  
  
Angel: "While Cordelia and Oz were saving them."  
  
Gunn, Fred, Lorne, and Connor: "Who's Oz?"  
  
Willow: "My boyfriend at the time."  
  
Lorne: "I think babyface here has some women issues."  
  
Connor: "You were dating someone else too!? Are you people insane?"  
  
Xander: "That's not an inappropriate question. And, I apologized to Cordy... but she was too busy trying to make out with Wesley to care I was sorry."  
  
Wes: "We did not make out."  
  
Connor: "You were with Cordy too?"  
  
Cordy: "We kissed. Once. Badly."  
  
Wes: "Well, twice."  
  
Cordy: "Not helping!"  
  
Wes: "Sorry."  
  
Angel: "And then again after we got to LA"  
  
Faith: "So this is what Jerry Springer is like in person."  
  
Cordy: "You shut up you slaying slut, you were giving it away to everyone who'd accept."  
  
Lorne: "We got away from the hospital, folks."  
  
Xander (sighs): "Okay, here's the story. Buffy had the flu, and passed out when Angelus attacked her."  
  
Angel: "Xander, Willow and Cordy drove me off with crosses."  
  
Xander: "After I kneed you in the head  
  
Angel: "Was that necessary?"  
  
Xander: "You were evil!"  
  
Angel: "I meant to the story."  
  
Xander: "Oh. No, but it was fun."  
  
Angel: "Anyway, they took her to the hospital"  
  
Xander: "Willow and Cordy went to call people, and Angelus showed up."  
  
Angel: "With flowers."  
  
Xander (sarcastically): "Which makes it all okay. He wanted to get to Buffy."  
  
Angel: "He wanted to stop me"  
  
Xander: "And I did."  
  
Angel: "I'm still not sure how that happened."  
  
Xander: "You were afraid of me."  
  
Everyone laughs except Angel.  
  
Cordy: "Probably afraid of your blood on his leather."  
  
Angel: "No, he's probably right."  
  
Everyone: Huh?  
  
Faith: "You were afraid of him?"  
  
Angel: "He had a ... look."  
  
Willow: "You said that before. What kind of look?"  
  
Angel: "The... scary kind?"  
  
They all look at him  
  
Angel: "What do you want? I can't recreate it."  
  
They all look at Xander  
  
Angel: "It was like... what Spike used to get when he'd go out to kill a Slayer. Like no matter what, he'd win even if he didn't make it."  
  
Xander: "Same way I felt when Ampata wanted to suck Willow's life."  
  
Wes: "He wasn't afraid to die... that's the most dangerous thing possible."  
  
Gunn: "I don't get it."  
  
Angel: "What would you do to stop Angelus from turning Fred?"  
  
Gunn (stands straighter, tilts head): "Whatever I had to."  
  
Angel: "Exactly."  
  
Xander: "That's what it was."  
  
Wes: "Like when you threatened Buffy's life after Willow, Cordelia, Giles and Ms. Calendar were kidnapped."  
  
Xander: "How did you know about that?"  
  
Willow and Cordy: "You did what?"  
  
Faith: "Whoa, Boytoy, you threatened Buffy?"  
  
Xander: "Wes, who told you about that?"  
  
Wes: "Rupert told me."  
  
Angel: "Was this about the Master's bones?"  
  
Faith: "Okay, so you stood up to Angelus AND threatened Buffy? And I always thought sleeping with me was the most dangerous thing you'd done."  
  
Xander: "Do not insult the Dark Prince... oh, you meant the other one."  
  
Gunn: "Dark Prince?"  
  
Wes: "Dark Prince?"  
  
Willow: "Dracula"  
  
Xander: "Long boring story."  
  
Angel: "You guys met Dracula?"  
  
Xander: "Like I said, long boring story."  
  
Willow: "Xander was his man-bitch. Ate some spiders."  
  
Xander: "Willow!"  
  
Willow: "Well you were. And you did."  
  
Faith: "So you've swung that way too? My, my Boytoy, and I thought Buffy was the only one who boffed the undead."  
  
Xander: "NOT THAT KIND OF MAN-BITCH!"  
  
Connor (muttering): "I can't believe he cheated on Cordy."  
  
Lorne (to Connor): "Give it up, junior."  
  
Xander: "Why are we all talking about me? Let's talk about... your miracle son, yeah! Who's the mother?"  
  
Wes: "Darla."  
  
Fred seeing the tense looks: "So Dracula was real?"  
  
Xander: "But she's dead."  
  
Angel: "She got better."  
  
Willow (to Fred): "Yes, but he left town again."  
  
Xander: "Oh, where is she now?"  
  
Wes: "She had a relapse of being dead."  
  
Xander: "Sounds like Buffy."  
  
Fred: "I can't believe you met Dracula."  
  
Xander: "Yes, please keep bringing that up."  
  
Angel: "Did Dracula pay Spike the money he owed him? Spike kept bitching about it."  
  
Willow: "I don't think Spike talked to him"  
  
Gunn: "Wait, why does Darla dying and returning sound like Buffy?"  
  
Xander: "She died."  
  
Willow: "Twice."  
  
Fred: "Oh, I'm sorry... wait, twice?"  
  
Gunn: "And she's where now?"  
  
Willow: "Out slaying."  
  
Xander: "Or at home. Training Potential Slayers."  
  
Lorne: "Okay, is one of you the son of God and pulling resurrections out of his hat like rabbits?"  
  
Cordy: "No, Xander's dad is a drunk."  
  
Xander: "I can't pull rabbits out of my hat... last time I tried Anya wouldn't sleep with me for a week. But we're broken up now, so maybe I could..."  
  
Xander: "Thank you, Cordelia."  
  
Willow: "Tact!"  
  
Cordelia: "Tact sucks."  
  
Xander: "Much like Angel."  
  
Angel: "Hey!"  
  
Willow: (muttering) "Football team says the same of you."  
  
Connor: "Hey!"  
  
Xander: "I think Larry said he gave her pointers."  
  
Cordy: "You'd know"  
  
All look at her.  
  
Cordy: "From Larry! Not from me!"  
  
Xander: "Cordy, I thought you disliked tact and not saying true things."  
  
Faith: "Wait, is Cordy the one who taught you to do that thing?"  
  
Xander: "What thing?"  
  
Willow: "With your tongue."  
  
Faith: "Yeah, that."  
  
Cordy: "Yes, ladies, you can thank me for that."  
  
All look at Xander  
  
Xander: "While kissing folks. Minds out of the gutter."  
  
Faith: "I didn't mean kissing."  
  
Willow: "Then what... oh."  
  
Cordy: "What? No. No! I didn't teach him that... what'd he do?"  
  
Xander: "I think you'd know what she was talking about, Will."  
  
Faith: "Well, he was..."  
  
Xander: "Enough!"  
  
Cordy: "How would she know, you and her...!?!"  
  
Xander: "Her and Tara."  
  
Faith: "If you didn't teach him who did?"  
  
Xander: "It just came naturally"  
  
Faith: "Now that's natural talent."  
  
Cordy: "Well, he was a good kisser."  
  
Xander (to Angel): "Did nobody hear me say 'enough'?"  
  
Angel: "I don't think they cared."  
  
Connor: "Was he better than me?"  
  
Cordy: "Umm...."  
  
Lorne: "Connor, never ask a woman that question."  
  
Connor: "Why?"  
  
Faith: "Kid, don't feel bad. Lots of guys could learn from the Xan-man here"  
  
Willow: "And that was before Anya."  
  
Fred: (uncomfortable with the sex talk) So what was Dracula like?  
  
Angel: "He's a wuss."  
  
Gunn: "Who's Anya?"  
  
Xander: "My ex-fianc"  
  
Wes: "Former vengeance demon."  
  
Willow: "He left her at the altar."  
  
Lorne: "Are you suicidal?"  
  
Wes: "You left a vengeance demon at the altar?"  
  
Xander: "Ex-vengeance demon"  
  
Willow: "Who then got her powers back"  
  
Xander: "And now doesn't have them anymore, again."  
  
Gunn: "Wait, you piss off Angelus, threaten a Slayer, date Cordy AND jilt a former vengeance demon?"  
  
Cordy: "Hey!"  
  
Willow: "And there was Ampata, the life sucking mummy."  
  
Angel: "Didn't I hear something about a praying mantis woman?"  
  
Xander: "Ms French."  
  
Fred: "What?"  
  
Xander: "I had a crush on a teacher who turned out to be a giant praying mantis."  
  
Willow: "She only wanted him because he was a virgin."  
  
Xander: "Angel, will you turn me then stake me, please?"  
  
Angel: "Actually, I'm kind of enjoying this."  
  
Xander: "Do you want me to do the look again?"  
  
Cordy: "You could never do the look for yourself."  
  
Willow: "Oh! Don't forget Drusilla and Amy. All the women in Sunnydale, actually..."  
  
Cordy: "Except me."  
  
Gunn: "What the hell are you?"  
  
Xander: "I'm the normal one."  
  
Fred: "Now I'm scared."  
  
Angel: "Wait, I never got the whole story on why Drusilla was after you that night."  
  
Willow: "He had a witch we knew do a spell."  
  
Cordy: "It was to get me to love him."  
  
Connor: "What?!"  
  
Willow: "But it backfired and every woman BUT Cordy fell for him."  
  
Xander: "Actually, I just wanted to break up with her..."  
  
Cordy: "YOU WANTED TO WHAT?!"  
  
Xander: "Oh shit..."  
  
Xander then hides behind Faith.  
  
Angel: "So that's why Dru was after you that night."  
  
Xander: "And Buffy."  
  
Willow: "And me."  
  
Xander: "Which is why Oz hit me.  
  
Willow: "Oz hit you? Awww."  
  
Xander: "Oz is gone, remember?"  
  
Cordy: "Wait, wait, wait, what was this about trying to break up with me?"  
  
Xander: "You broke up with me on Valentine's Day!"  
  
Cordy: "But I took you back and you... false pretenses!"  
  
Connor: (to Lorne) "Cordy isn't as innocent as I thought, is she?"  
  
Willow: "Oz could come back."  
  
Xander: "What about Kennedy?"  
  
Willow: "Kennedy, right."  
  
Xander: "Will..."  
  
Lorne: "Kiddo, she hasn't been innocent since before you were a gleam in your dad's eye..."  
  
Wes: "Which was about a year ago, now."  
  
Lorne: "That's not the point Wes."  
  
Xander: "Wait, a year?"  
  
Willow: "Vampire child growth spurt?"  
  
Connor: "I'm not a vampire."  
  
Connor: "I grew up in a Hell dimension with a man who tried to get revenge on Angelus for killing his family."  
  
Xander: "Oh. At least he didn't kill you as revenge."  
  
Wes: "No, but I almost died after his accomplice slit my throat."  
  
Gunn: "And when Angel tried to suffocate you."  
  
Willow: "You mean Angelus."  
  
Angel: "No, it was me."  
  
Xander: "Oh, glad to see Angel is so well past Angelus."  
  
Angel: "Xander, he stole my son."  
  
Faith: "This is better than a month's worth of Jerry Springer."  
  
Willow: "He what?"  
  
Wes: "It's true, I did."  
  
Xander: "Well, your son seems to be a nice well adjusted Deadboy Jr., so what's the problem now?"  
  
Connor: "I am not Deadboy Jr."  
  
Xander (pointing at Angel): Deadboy.  
  
Xander (pointing at Connor): Deadboy, Jr.  
  
Gunn: (to Lorne) "Does this Xander guy seem to have a death wish?"  
  
Willow: "What does that make Spike?"  
  
Xander: "Formerly Evil Undead 2? Maybe Peroxide Boy?"  
  
Willow: But as Buffy says, he has his soul now."  
  
Angel Crew: "WHAT?"  
  
Connor: "Do many vampires have souls?"  
  
Xander: "No, just the ones Buffy screws."  
  
Angel: "WHAT?!"  
  
Xander: "Yeah, no curse either."  
  
Angel: "I'll kill him."  
  
Willow: "Buffy won't let you."  
  
Willow (sounding like Buffy): "But he has a soul now."  
  
Angel: "So?"  
  
Xander: "That's what I said. And Giles. And Wood. Wait, so I can kill you with a soul? Dammit, did I not get the memo?"  
  
Angel: "Who's Wood?"  
  
Willow: "Buffy's boss, a demon fighting principal."  
  
Xander: "And they had that one date."  
  
Fred: "Public schools have gotten that bad?"  
  
Willow: "Oh! Right, when you were abducted by the cat lady who tried to drain your blood!"  
  
Lorne: "Cat lady?"  
  
Gunn: "Cat lady?"  
  
Xander: "She was a priestess. Needed blood for some ritual. I met her at Home Depot, with Andrew."  
  
Wes: "Who's Andrew?"  
  
Willow: "Someone I tried to kill."  
  
Angel: "What?"  
  
Cordy: "Tried to kill?"  
  
Willow: "I didn't though."  
  
Xander: "Not for lack of trying."  
  
Wes: "You were evil?"  
  
Willow: "His friend killed my girlfriend."  
  
Connor: "Girlfriend?"  
  
Xander: "Only a little evil... as in just the one try to destroy the world."  
  
Wes: "You tried to destroy the world?"  
  
Angel: "But Buffy stopped you?"  
  
Willow: "No, Xander stopped me."  
  
Lorne: "Angel, I think you need to have a talk with your son about girl's having girlfriends."  
  
Faith: "Whoa, wait, Xander stopped you?"  
  
Connor (pale): Girlfriend?"  
  
Angel: "How'd you pull that one off?"  
  
Willow (glaring at Connor): "No I never did it with Cordy now be quiet."  
  
Willow: "Xander told me to kill him."  
  
Angel: "He what?"  
  
Gunn: "I knew he was suicidal."  
  
Xander: "I prefer the 'I love you' part"  
  
Connor: "You love her, too?"  
  
Willow: "Well, there was that, too."  
  
Xander: "She's been my best friend since forever."  
  
Cordy: "He's always loved her."  
  
Xander: "And I always will."  
  
Connor: "But I thought he loved Buffy."  
  
Angel: "He does."  
  
Xander: "Loved her too."  
  
Cordy: "Loved? Past tense?"  
  
Xander: "Okay, love. Fine."  
  
Faith: "And yet of them I'm the only one he's had sex with."  
  
Xander: "Except Anya"  
  
Fred: "What happened with Anya?"  
  
Willow: "Who he also loves."  
  
Connor: "You love another too?"  
  
Xander: "I got scared that I'd turn into my dad and be a bad husband. I got a lotta love."  
  
Willow: "Xander, you're not your father."  
  
Cordy: "For one thing, you don't smell as bad. Xander, you aren't him. Even I know that."  
  
Xander: "Thanks, I think."  
  
Cordy: "You know what I mean!"  
  
Connor: "I don't..."  
  
Fred: "Is anyone else confused?"  
  
Lorne: "Angelcakes, this boy of yours needs to watch more daytime TV"  
  
Xander: "He can watch Passions with Spike."  
  
Angel: "Spike watches Passions?"  
  
Xander: "Routinely."  
  
Willow: "Watches it religiously."  
  
Fred: "Isn't that the show you watch Angel?"  
  
Xander: "Must be a family trait."  
  
Willow: "Like being dead?"  
  
Connor: "I'm not dead!"  
  
Xander: "But you are Deadboy, Jr."  
  
Connor growls  
  
Xander: "He's had his shots, right?"  
  
Faith: "Does he need a leash?"  
  
Willow: "Oh, Mistress of Pain... er..."  
  
Xander: "No, not that again."  
  
Cordy: "AGAIN?"  
  
Xander: "Oz was a bad doggy."  
  
Angel: "It was when she was a vampire."  
  
Gunn: "She was a vampire?"  
  
Willow: "Angel was my puppy."  
  
Fred: "Puppy?"  
  
Gunn: "But she got better?"  
  
Willow: "Well, my vamp's puppy. She rode him like a pony."  
  
Cordy: "It was my fault."  
  
Lorne: "What did you do?"  
  
Xander: "Yes, luckily it wasn't worse."  
  
Cordy: "Well, actually, it was Xander's fault."  
  
Xander: "Hey, I didn't make the wish!"  
  
Cordy: "And Willow."  
  
Lorne: "Wish? From a vengeance demon?"  
  
Xander: "How do you think we met Anya? Who used to be called Anyanka, by the way."  
  
Lorne: "Oh shit."  
  
Wes: "Well put Lorne."  
  
Gunn: "Who's Anyanka?"  
  
Xander: "My ex-fiancé."  
  
Willow: "And she got vengeance for scorned women."  
  
Cordy: "That'd be me."  
  
Lorne: "Wait, let me get this straight, you piss off Cordy, Anyanka shows up and somehow you get engaged to her? Didn't she burn your entrails?"  
  
Xander: "We didn't start dating until after she was human."  
  
Wes: "Didn't you go to prom with her?"  
  
Xander: "Yeah."  
  
Cordy: "By the way, thanks for buying me that dress."  
  
Xander: "No problem."  
  
Connor: "Dress?"  
  
Cordy: "I couldn't afford the dress I wanted, so he bought it for me."  
  
Faith: "I've definitely missed some good stuff."  
  
Lorne: "After he cheated on you?"  
  
Xander: "Yes."  
  
Cordy: "He felt bad."  
  
Xander: "And I knew money and the like makes her feel better, so to make myself feel better I tried to make her feel better."  
  
Gunn: "So this was after you broke up."  
  
Cordy: "Yes."  
  
Xander: "Didn't mean I didn't still love her."  
  
Fred: "And you went to prom with..."  
  
Wes: "Me."  
  
Connor: "You loved her too? IS THERE ANYBODY HERE YOU HAVENT DATED?"  
  
Xander (looks at Fred): "Haven't dated Fred. Yet, at least."  
  
Gunn & Wes: (glaring) "Yet?"  
  
Xander: "A joke!"  
  
Willow: "Not one of your better ones."  
  
Xander: "This is a beat up on Xander session, don't expect my best material."  
  
Angel: "You have best material?  
  
Faith: "I rather liked beating up on Xander sessions..."  
  
Xander: "As opposed to killing Xander sessions? And yes, I have best material, I save it to use while running for my life. They laugh and slow down."  
  
Gunn: "You tried to kill him?"  
  
Willow: "She tried to kill all of us."  
  
Xander: "Only once though."  
  
Faith: "But I'm sorry."  
  
Willow (sounding like Buffy): "But she has a soul now."  
  
Xander laughs. Angel broods.  
  
Faith: "But I had a soul then."  
  
Xander: "I think it was misplaced."  
  
Willow: "Or on hiatus"  
  
Faith: "Well, at least I know Xan has some good memories of me."  
  
Xander: "That's for sure."  
  
Willow: "Some?"  
  
Xander: "Just the one."  
  
Faith: "Best twenty minutes of your life, right?"  
  
Xander: "You certainly seemed to enjoy it."  
  
Faith: "Well..."  
  
Xander: "Four times."  
  
Everyone else but Connor: "Four Times?!"  
  
Connor: "Four times what?"  
  
Cordy: "He wouldn't know."  
  
Connor: "Know what?"  
  
Everyone snickers  
  
Cordy: "Nothing dear."  
  
Angel: "Dear?"  
  
Faith: "Get used to nothing Cordy, I think you'll get a lot of it."  
  
Cordy: "Never mind."  
  
Xander (to Angel): "It must just eat you up that he got there first."  
  
Angel: "That was uncalled for."  
  
Xander: "Just bringing up old memories."  
  
Angel: "Old memories? That reminds me, Willow, why didn't you tell anyone you were going to try and restore my soul?"  
  
Willow: "What? I did tell. I told Xander."  
  
Xander: "Um..."  
  
Angel: "But he told Buffy you said to kick my ass."  
  
Xander: "About that..."  
  
Willow: "You didn't tell her?!? ALEXANDER LAVELLE HARRIS!"  
  
All but Cordy: "LaVelle?"  
  
Xander: "Look, it was him or the world."  
  
Angel: "And you couldn't give Buffy the benefit of the doubt?"  
  
Xander: "She won't dust Spike now, she wouldn't have killed you then. It's who she is. She would have hesitated, not fought her hardest."  
  
Angel (punching Xander's arm): "Okay, you're right... but I sure as hell don't like it."  
  
Willow: "Wait until we get home Mister!"  
  
Gunn: "So, you lied to the woman you loved, so she would kill the vampire she loved, to save the world?"  
  
Xander: "Essentially."  
  
Fred: "So. the other woman you loved, Willow, was doing a spell to save the vampire Buffy loved, Buffy who you loved and lied to, so that she would kill the vampire she loved to save the world?"  
  
Lorne: "And where was Cordy in all this?"  
  
Cordy: "I was helping Willow and Oz with the spell."  
  
Connor: "Who's Oz again?"  
  
Willow: "My ex-werewolf."  
  
Connor: "Ex-werewolf?"  
  
Xander: "Still a werewolf, but he has more control of it now."  
  
Willow: "He only lost control a little around Tara."  
  
Xander: "By trying to kill her, after he'd cheated on you before he'd left."  
  
Angel: "He cheated on you?"  
  
Willow: "With Veruca."  
  
Lorne: "I agree with Faith there, this is worse than Jerry Springer."  
  
Xander: "Who was also a werewolf."  
  
Connor: "Jerry Springer's a werewolf?"  
  
Xander: "No, Veruca!"  
  
Willow: "Who Oz then killed."  
  
Xander: "And then left you."  
  
Willow: "But he had to. Because he thought he was dangerous and  
  
didn't want to hurt me."  
  
Xander: "He hurt you anyway."  
  
Gunn: "You get the feeling they've argued about this before?"  
  
Lorne: "Only in my brain."  
  
Fred: "What happened to Tara then?"  
  
Willow: "But he wanted to be in better control!"  
  
Xander: "But he hurt you!"  
  
Connor: "He keeps saying that."  
  
Cordy: "Xander is simple like that. She's his Willow."  
  
Connor: "He owns her?"  
  
Willow: "No, he doesn't own me. Though he sometimes he doesn't realize that."  
  
Willow (to Xander): "But Oz did get better."  
  
Xander: "Yeah. Better enough to attack Tara out of jealousy."  
  
Willow: "But Riley stopped him before he hurt anybody."  
  
Angel: "Riley?"  
  
Gunn: "Tara was attacked out of jealousy?"  
  
Connor: "Who's Tara again?"  
  
Xander: "Oz was jealous because Tara and Will were together."  
  
Connor: "Together?"  
  
Willow: "She was my lover!"  
  
Lorne: "Angelcakes, you really need to have a talk."  
  
Connor: "Oh... but, how does that work?"  
  
Angel: "What did Riley have to do with this?"  
  
Faith: "Connor, if you're a good boy maybe Willow and I can show you how it works later."  
  
Connor: "Okay."  
  
Cordy: "You won't!"  
  
Willow: "Faith!"  
  
Xander: "Can I get tickets to that?"  
  
Willow: "Xander!"  
  
Gunn: "I'll go too."  
  
Fred: "No you won't!"  
  
Wes: "Yes, I'd be interested in that as well."  
  
Fred: "You either!"  
  
Angel: "Can I see it?  
  
Cordy: "NO!"  
  
Faith: "Guess it's just us ladies and Connor. Cordy, Fred, you coming?"  
  
Lorne: "Hey, I want in."  
  
Faith: "Then you, Connor and us ladies."  
  
Willow: "I am not doing this. I'm in a relationship."  
  
Xander (scoffing): "Yeah, with Kennedy."  
  
Faith: "This is like Vegas, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."  
  
Willow: "And what's wrong with Kennedy?"  
  
Xander: "What ISN'T wrong with Kennedy?"  
  
Willow: "I thought you liked her!"  
  
Xander: "I was pretending for your sake!"  
  
Gunn: "Here they go again."  
  
Xander: "I can't stand any of those girls. Okay, maybe Molly. But the rest, no!"  
  
Wes (to Angel): "Now THEY seem like Xander and Cordelia."  
  
Angel: "I've noticed."  
  
Fred: "What girls?"  
  
Xander: "The potential slayers."  
  
Wes: "Willow's dating a potential?"  
  
Willow: "Yes."  
  
Cordy: "They keep track of potential slayers?"  
  
Wes: "Yes, to train them."  
  
Angel: "Um, when did Willow start dating girls?"  
  
Willow: "Three years ago."  
  
Xander: "After Oz left."  
  
Connor: "Dating girls?"  
  
Cordy: "Shut up, sweetie."  
  
Faith: "Be good Deadboy Jr., I said we'd show you."  
  
Angel: "Sweetie?"  
  
Willow: "We will not show him!"  
  
Faith: "You'd rather Fred or Cordy?"  
  
Willow: "I'd rather not me!"  
  
Gunn: "I'm fine either way it goes if I can watch."  
  
Xander: "But you've got the most practice, Will."  
  
Connor: "Cordy?"  
  
Lorne: "This is just a bomb, waiting to explode."  
  
Xander: "Funny thing about bombs, they're not very easy to defuse."  
  
Everybody: "What?"  
  
Xander: "I need to think before I talk."  
  
Willow: "When did you deal with a bomb?"  
  
Xander: "Um, it's a hobby?"  
  
Willow (with Resolve Face): "Xander..."  
  
Xander: (sighs) "Fine. It was the same night I dealt with Faith."  
  
Connor: "Dealt with?"  
  
Faith: "Slept with"  
  
Xander: "Wasn't much sleeping"  
  
Faith: "Only because I kicked you out before you could roll over and fall asleep."  
  
Willow: "That was the night of the Apocalypse demons?"  
  
Xander: "Yes."  
  
Willow: "Didn't I tell you I loved you that night?"  
  
Xander: "Um..."  
  
Cordy: "Oh, now he's gonna get it."  
  
Connor: "You slept with another woman after one said she loved you?"  
  
Willow: "Xander! How could you!"  
  
Xander: "Deadboy Jr., you're really pressing on my nerve."  
  
Faith: "He could do it quite well, Red."  
  
Connor: "Stop calling me that!"  
  
Angel: "Give it up, son."  
  
Wes: "Wait, what about the bomb?"  
  
Xander: "If your fish murdering father couldn't stop me from calling him Deadboy, then you don't have a chance."  
  
Gunn: "Fish murdering?"  
  
Willow (softly): "My fish."  
  
Fred: "You killed her fish?"  
  
Cordy: (to Xander) "At least it wasn't you when you almost became a fish."  
  
Angel: "After I lost my soul."  
  
Lorne: "Wait, what?"  
  
Wes: "The bomb, people."  
  
Xander: "It was Jack O'Toole."  
  
Lorne: "Who turned you into a fish?"  
  
Willow: "Didn't Jack go missing?"  
  
Xander: "No, Jack built the bomb. And yes, he did go missing."  
  
Cordy: "The coach tried to turn him into a fish."  
  
Lorne: "What coach?"  
  
Willow: "The swim team coach."  
  
Lorne: "Um, why?"  
  
Xander: "So I could swim better, duh."  
  
Lorne: "I'm confused."  
  
Gunn: "Join the crowd."  
  
Xander (sighs): The swim team were turning into fish."  
  
Willow: "So Xander went undercover."  
  
Cordy: "Not under much cover."  
  
Willow (remembering): "Oh, the Speedo."  
  
Connor: "What's a Speedo?"  
  
Fred: "Speedo?"  
  
Willow: "It was a good Speedo."  
  
Xander: "Forget the Speedo, let's talk about the bomb."  
  
Faith: "What's under it wasn't bad either."  
  
Gunn (to Willow): I thought you liked girls.  
  
Willow: "It was a really, really good Speedo. And I do, but I was in love with Xander for  
  
12 years."  
  
Cordy: "Xander drove her gay."  
  
Connor: "Gay?"  
  
Xander: "No, that would be Oz."  
  
Connor: "The werewolf is gay?"  
  
Cordy: "Oh, Xander just laid the groundwork then."  
  
Xander: "No, Willow is."  
  
Connor: "What's gay?"  
  
Angel: "Happy."  
  
Connor: "She doesn't look very happy."  
  
Willow: "Would you be if your one true love died?"  
  
Connor: "Oz died?"  
  
Xander: "No, Tara died."  
  
Connor: "Who's Tara?"  
  
Faith: "Angel, I'm gonna beat your boy down."  
  
Angel: "I might hold him for you."  
  
Wes: "Can we get back to the bomb?"  
  
Cordy: "Yeah, I want to know about this."  
  
Faith: "I want to hear more about this Speedo, and if I can get a viewing of it."  
  
Willow: "I'm sure he threw it out."  
  
Connor: "What's a Speedo?"  
  
Xander: "Actually, Anya liked to..."  
  
Faith: "I'll let you watch while we educate Connor later if you model it for us..."  
  
Gunn: "I own a Speedo to!"  
  
Xander: "That would really, really be worth it."  
  
Fred (hitting Gunn): "That's for my viewing only!"  
  
Wes: "I have one also..."  
  
Connor: "Can I see it?"  
  
Fred: "No!"  
  
Xander: "I did not need that mental image, Wes."  
  
Angel: "I've got one also..."  
  
Willow: "I didn't mind the image."  
  
Xander: "I think I've just gone impotent."  
  
Lorne: "If I wasn't already green..."  
  
Faith: "Just wait until the show X, you won't be impotent after that."  
  
Willow: "There will be no show!"  
  
Cordy: "Prude."  
  
Faith: "That your answer too Cordy?"  
  
Cordy: "Me?"  
  
Faith: "Well, it doesn't have to be Willow. Cordy or Fred, better yet both, work too."  
  
Guys except Connor: "Okay."  
  
Connor: "What kind of show? Is it a play?"  
  
Cordy smacks him behind the head."  
  
Faith: "We'll be playing some alright."  
  
Connor: "Ow!"  
  
Lorne: "Are we ever going to hear about that bomb?"  
  
Angel: "I've been wondering who'd hit him first."  
  
Xander: "He was too far away from me."  
  
Gunn: "I'm more interested in the show."  
  
Faith: "You look like you could fill out a Speedo."  
  
Angel: "Can I just state that I didn't raise Connor?"  
  
Fred: "Hey!"  
  
Faith: "Don't worry girl, I won't use your boy... unless you're with us. You up for it?"  
  
Gunn: "Yeah!"  
  
Fred: "No!"  
  
Gunn: "Damn."  
  
Xander: "I'm up for it."  
  
Faith: (to Fred) "Just you and me then girl?"  
  
Faith: "As I recall Xan, you were always up."  
  
Cordy: "He was pretty frisky"  
  
Connor: "What about me?"  
  
Cordy: "Um... "  
  
Lorne: "What did I tell you, kid?"  
  
Faith: "Deadboy Jr. has the same problem as his old man?"  
  
Angel: "Hey, I didn't have a problem."  
  
Xander: "You lost your soul and tried to kill us!"  
  
Angel: "Well, yeah, but I wasn't a hair trigger."  
  
Connor: "Hair trigger?"  
  
Gunn: "Like on a crossbow. Shoots too early."  
  
Faith: "Angel, for your sake I won't say what B said about your time... But X here outlasted you.  
  
Willow: "So Connor would lose his soul?"  
  
Xander: "YES!"  
  
Angel: "Hey, I hadn't done it in years!"  
  
Lorne: "No, Kid Vicious just can't do the job right."  
  
Xander: "So what, Angel? I'd never done it."  
  
Connor: "What job?"  
  
Faith: "Got ya there, Fang."  
  
Cordy: "The job would be me."  
  
Connor: "I don't understand."  
  
Willow: "That's so sad..."  
  
Cordy: "I know that all to well."  
  
Faith: "I think the show should be me and Cordy, she could use some tension release."  
  
Xander: "So, Cordy, if we never... and you didn't with him... have you ever?"  
  
Cordy: "There was that time the succubus impregnated me."  
  
Connor: "You aren't pure?"  
  
Willow: "Succubus?"  
  
Angel: "Let it go, son."  
  
Xander: "I thought it was supposed to be an incubus? You know, succubus sucks and incubus goes in..."  
  
Fred: "Why do you know that off hand?"  
  
Cordy: "Whatever. It got the job done."  
  
Connor: "What job?"  
  
Xander: "Wait, am I the only one of the Sunnydale gang who's first time was with a human?"  
  
Willow: "Well, Oz was human at the time."  
  
Xander: "But he was still a werewolf."  
  
Faith: "My first was a human, although just barely."  
  
Angel: "My first was human."  
  
Xander: "Doesn't count if it was over two hundred years ago."  
  
Angel: "That's just age-ism."  
  
Connor: "First time what?"  
  
Xander: "We're the normal ones Faith, isn't that a sign of the apocalypse?"  
  
Cordy: "Harris, there is no way you are normal."  
  
Wes: "If we could get back to the bomb?"  
  
Angel: "Really, he grew up in a hell dimension."  
  
Faith: "I think it should be Cordy and me doing the show, she definitely needs the release."  
  
Connor: "There's an apocalypse coming?"  
  
Xander: "Deadboy, are you attached to Deadboy Jr.?"  
  
Angel: "Less and less."  
  
Connor: "Don't call me that. My name isn't Deadboy Jr."  
  
Cordy: "Angel! He's your son!"  
  
Xander (a la Empire Records): "Your name isn't fucking Warren?"  
  
Willow: (cringe) "Did you have to say that?"  
  
Xander: "Oh, God, Will, I'm sorry!"  
  
Wes: "Who is Warren?"  
  
Connor: "Who's 'fucking Warren'?"  
  
Cordy smacks Connor again.  
  
Connor: "Ow!"  
  
Cordy: "Don't curse."  
  
Connor: "He did it first."  
  
Xander: "I'm really sorry, Will."  
  
Willow: "That's okay, I just miss her."  
  
Faith: "So who's the guy who has Red so messed up?"  
  
Connor: "Miss who?"  
  
Everybody: "TARA!"  
  
Gunn: "Ask who Tara is and I swear I'll gut you."  
  
Fred: "Gunn!"  
  
Connor: "Why?"  
  
Angel: "Connor!"  
  
Connor: "What?"  
  
Angel: "Shut up!"  
  
Connor: "What'd I do?"  
  
Cordy: "What didn't you do?"  
  
Faith: (to Cordy) "You apparently."  
  
Xander (holding Willow): "You going to be okay?"  
  
Willow: "Yeah. Thanks."  
  
Fred: (comes over to Willow) "Are you okay?"  
  
Xander: "Anything for my Willow."  
  
Connor: "He owns her?"  
  
Lorne: "So who's Warren?"  
  
Cordy smacks Connor.  
  
Connor: "Ow!"  
  
Xander: "Warren is the guy who shot and killed Tara last year."  
  
Gunn: "How bad a hurt did you put on him?"  
  
Xander: "I didn't."  
  
Angel: "Why not?"  
  
Wes: "Oh my... I hope he got what was coming to him and tossed into a nice dark cell."  
  
Xander: "Willow killed him."  
  
Cordy: "She did what?"  
  
Xander: "She flayed him alive."  
  
Willow: "And burned his corpse"  
  
Faith: "Good job Red."  
  
Wes: "Oh my."  
  
Gunn: "Remind me not to piss her off."  
  
Fred: "Wait, I thought that was Andrew."  
  
Willow: "Andrew was helping Warren."  
  
Xander: "She tried to kill him later, before she tried to destroy the world."  
  
Willow: "Right."  
  
Connor: "If you're evil why are you here?"  
  
Xander: "She's not evil. Call her that again and you'll wake up dead."  
  
Connor: "She tried to destroy the world."  
  
Lorne (to himself): "Wake up dead?"  
  
Willow: "I was just upset."  
  
Xander: "So did your old man. He's still here."  
  
Gunn: "Definitely don't want to piss her off."  
  
Angel: "But I did go to hell."  
  
Xander: "Sorry about that."  
  
Willow: "Losing Tara was hell."  
  
Cordy: "No you're not."  
  
Xander: "No, but it's nice to say."  
  
Fred: (hugging Willow) "I'm sorry."  
  
Angel: "I appreciate the sentiment, anyway."  
  
Gunn (to Wes, looking at Willow and Fred): "I could get into that."  
  
Faith: "Has anyone in Sunnydale not tried to kill the good guys?"  
  
Wes (to Gunn): I know what you mean."  
  
Lorne: (to Wes and Gunn) "Deal me in too."  
  
Xander: "I'm pretty sure I didn't try to kill the  
  
good guys."  
  
Angel: "What about me?"  
  
Xander: "You don't count."  
  
Willow: "And me and Buffy."  
  
Wes: "What? When?"  
  
Willow: "When he was a hyena."  
  
Gunn: "You were a hyena?"  
  
Xander: " I was possessed."  
  
Willow: (as Buffy) "He has a soul. Yeah, but it was still your body."  
  
Xander: "Damn."  
  
Willow: "Plus, if you use that argument, Angel never tried to kill us."  
  
Angel: "That right, it was my demon."  
  
Xander: "Okay, but he was going to let Buffy die, that counts."  
  
Willow: "He what?"  
  
Cordy: "You what?"  
  
Angel: "You're making it sound worse than it was."  
  
Xander: "You were sitting on your couch!"  
  
Willow: "Wait, when?"  
  
Xander: "When the Master killed her."  
  
Wes: (to Gunn) "I was there for some of these stories, and I still have no clue what's going on."  
  
Connor: "Killed who?"  
  
Cordy: "Buffy."  
  
Gunn: "They save the world, that disturbs me."  
  
Connor: "Who's Buffy?"  
  
Angel: "I wanted to do something."  
  
Xander: "But you didn't until I forced you to at... cross point..."  
  
Lorne: "Cross point?"  
  
Xander: "It's the best I could think of."  
  
Gunn: "Man, how many times have you pissed off Angel and survived?"  
  
Xander: "Pissed off? More than I can count."  
  
Angel: "More than I can count. I don't like him very much."  
  
Xander: "Angel was always threatened by my manliness."  
  
Willow: "You like him better than Riley."  
  
Angel: "I like Connor better than Riley."  
  
Gunn: "I hope he was joking or he's crazier than I thought."  
  
Connor: "Who's Riley?"  
  
Xander: "Buffy's ex-boyfriend."  
  
Connor: "But didn't she die?"  
  
Xander: "Yes, but I brought her back."  
  
Connor: "With magic?"  
  
Xander: "No, with CPR."  
  
Willow: "I brought her back with magic."  
  
Connor: "What's CPR?"  
  
Cordy: "She died, and he restarted her heart"  
  
Connor: "How?"  
  
Xander: "Come here and I'll show you."  
  
Connor moves to him  
  
Willow: "Xander don't."  
  
Angel: "Stop it."  
  
Xander: "Please?"  
  
Gunn: "Let him do it."  
  
Angel: "No."  
  
Xander: "Spoilsports."  
  
Gunn: "Hey, I was on your side."  
  
Xander: "I meant them."  
  
Fred: (hits Gunn) "Gunn!"  
  
Faith: "This is fun."  
  
Lorne: "Gotta say, I'm with 'normal boy' here."  
  
Wes: "WOULD YOU GET TO THE BLOODY BOMB ALREADY?"  
  
Xander: "Bomb? What bomb?"  
  
Wes: (to Connor) "I think Xander is a demon who's going to do naughty things with Cordelia."  
  
Willow: "Something about Jack O'Toole?"  
  
Xander: "Oh, that bomb."  
  
Cordy: "There were others?"  
  
[ Xander: "Well, no."  
  
Connor: "You stay away from her!"  
  
Xander: "What?"  
  
Wes: "Pay him no mind."  
  
Xander: "I'm getting to the bomb, you just keep Deadboy Jr. back."  
  
Wes: "Finally."  
  
Angel: "Can you not call him that?"  
  
Xander: "Why, don't like me calling your kid names?"  
  
Angel: "Not names. that name. It has. associations."  
  
Xander: "Huh?"  
  
Willow: "He doesn't want people to know they're related."  
  
Angel nods  
  
Fred: "Angel!"  
  
Angel: "Fred, would you like to admit you're related to him?"  
  
Connor: "Angel has something to do with the bomb?"  
  
Cordy smacks him again.  
  
Connor: "Don't touch the hair!"  
  
Xander: "Oh man, Angel, he really is your son."  
  
Angel: "Don't remind me."  
  
Cordy: "Angel!"  
  
Angel: "You just hit him!"  
  
Cordy: "Because he's stupid! You're being mean!"  
  
Connor: "You think I'm stupid?"  
  
Faith: "And a bad lay."  
  
Connor: "What's a lay?"  
  
Faith: (to Lorne) "This is so much like Jerry Springer, I keep waiting to find out someone's been sleeping with their brother or mother or something."  
  
Angel: "Actually, Cordy's like a mother to him."  
  
Gunn: (to Connor) "A lay is something you'll never know about if there's a God."  
  
Lorne: "And he's always trying to kill you, Angel."  
  
Wes: "How Oedipal."  
  
Willow: "Like that play we did in high school."  
  
Xander: "Don't remind me."  
  
Wes: "But really, the bomb."  
  
Xander: "Right. The bomb."  
  
Faith: "Wait, that'd mean that Connor wants to do Cordy, huh?"  
  
Angel: "And did."  
  
Connor: "Do what?"  
  
Gunn: "But not well."  
  
Xander: "Cordy."  
  
Cordy: "What?"  
  
Xander: "I was answering Deadboy, Jr."  
  
Faith: "Wait, Cordy really did bump'n'grind her kid?"  
  
Angel: "Not her actual son."  
  
Xander: "Then whose?"  
  
Angel: "Mine and Darla's."  
  
Willow: "But she raised him, EW, she changed his diapers!"  
  
Connor: "What's 'bump'n'grind'?"  
  
Willow: "I know a really effective silencing spell."  
  
Xander (to Willow): "That's like Buffy making it with Giles."  
  
Faith: "So Cordy, when you were changing his diapers did you imagine that later you'd be ridin' his ol' One-Eyed Willie?"  
  
Connor: "What's a one-eyed Willie?"  
  
Wes: "Those are mental images that shall haunt the rest of my days."  
  
Cordy: "Ew, no, that's gross!"  
  
Connor: "I'm gross?"  
  
All girls but Cordy. "Yes!"  
  
Faith: "But when he grew a couple of inches it was better? At least I hope it grew."  
  
Connor: "What grew?"  
  
Xander: "Angel, I'm going to kill your son."  
  
Gunn: "That kid is dangerously close to a ghetto beat down."  
  
Cordy: "You know, I never tried to kill anybody in Sunnydale."  
  
Wes: "Should I try and find another portal to Qor-Toth for him?"  
  
Willow: "Well, that makes one."  
  
Xander: "You tried to drive us all to suicide, that counts."  
  
Cordy: "Not everyone, just you."  
  
Xander: "Still counts..."  
  
Willow: "Cordy, that was really mean..."  
  
Wes: "She's like that sometimes."  
  
Connor: "Stop insulting my Cordelia!"  
  
Xander: "It was part of our foreplay."  
  
Connor: "What's foreplay?"  
  
Cordy: "I am NOT your Cordelia."  
  
Connor: "But, she's his Willow, why can't you be my Cordelia?"  
  
Faith: "Cordy, I'll help with that tension later. If that kid doesn't even know foreplay..."  
  
[ Xander: "Because you can't do what I can."  
  
Willow: "Besides, he's also my Xander."  
  
Connor: "What can you do?"  
  
Xander: "Release tension."  
  
Connor: "What tension?"  
  
Cordy: "Mine!"  
  
Faith: "That's something Boytoy is very good at."  
  
Connor: "What's Boytoy?"  
  
Angel (to Wes): "You know, I'm really curious about that bomb now, too."  
  
Xander: "That'd be me."  
  
Wes (to Angel): "Bomb? Oh yes, the bomb."  
  
Fred: (to Faith) "He's really that good?"  
  
Gunn: "Hey!"  
  
Faith (to Fred): "Got me four times in 20 minutes. He wasn't lying."  
  
Connor: "You're Boytoy? Why?"  
  
Xander: "Because I released Faith's tension."  
  
Connor: "And you're going to release Cordy's?"  
  
Willow: (to Faith) "Maybe I was a bit hasty on the gay thing."  
  
Xander (grinning): "If she'll let me."  
  
Angel: "Hell no!"  
  
Cordy: "Well somebody has to. Angel, you can't. And Junior here can't."  
  
Faith: "I'm willing."  
  
Willow: "Xander, four times?"  
  
Xander: "What? Hey, you had computers, I had a lot of time to get to know myself."  
  
Willow: "Eww... mental picture.... Actually..."  
  
Girls: "Hmmm..."  
  
Gunn: (to Fred) "Fred!"  
  
Angel: (to Cordy) "Hey!"  
  
Connor: "What's going on?"  
  
Cordy smacks him  
  
Connor: "Hey!"  
  
Xander: "I like you more every time you do that."  
  
Faith: "Wait, Xander, you're single right?"  
  
Xander: "Yes. Anya and I are officially over."  
  
Faith: "Good, I claim you then."  
  
Xander: "You what?"  
  
Willow: "You can't claim him. He's my Xander."  
  
Connor: "I thought he owned you."  
  
Faith: "You have that Kennedy chick, Xander's mine."  
  
Willow: "Nobody owns me. And Kennedy sucks, I was just bored."  
  
Connor: "But he says you're his."  
  
Willow: "I am. And he's mine."  
  
[ Xander: "We're each others."  
  
Faith: "Not anymore, I've laid claim and laid him."  
  
Gunn: "I think that would be sweet if I wasn't so confused."  
  
Wes: (to Gunn) "I think there's going to be a catfight."  
  
Angel (to Wes): "Five bucks on the witch."  
  
Lorne (to Wes): "My money's on the slayer."  
  
Willow: "Xander has been mine since pre-school!"  
  
Gunn (to Wes): "Put me down for ten that Cordy gets  
  
involved."  
  
Cordy: "Yes, and you've always been there to take him away from anyone else!"  
  
Wes (to Gunn): "Um, Gunn, isn't Fred looking like she might..."  
  
Faith: "Hey, he's mine, I popped the cherry on him."  
  
Connor: "Cherry?"  
  
Willow: "But I'm his best friend!"  
  
Faith: "I was his first and best lay."  
  
Cordy: "I was his first girlfriend!"  
  
Xander: "Actually, that was Willow, too."  
  
Cordy: "WHAT?  
  
Willow: "We were five."  
  
Xander: "She claims I stole her Barbie."  
  
Faith (to Willow): "Still, I bet it eats you up that I got there first."  
  
Xander: "Oh shit, that was the wrong thing to say."  
  
Angel: "Slayer's got good ears."  
  
Willow: "YOU! YOU CLEAVAGEY SLUT-BOMB!!"  
  
Faith: "Yeah? Well at least I have some cleavage!"  
  
Cordy: "You call that cleavage?"  
  
Faith: "Oh, you wanna get into it now? At least mine aren't store bought."  
  
Lorne (to Gunn and Wes): "Oh this is starting to get fun."  
  
Angel (to Wes): "The world is ending, girls are fighting over Xander and I don't see a love spell in sight."  
  
Connor: "What's cleavage?"  
  
Everybody: "SHUT UP!"  
  
Willow: "I've easily got the earliest claim on Xander, I've known him the longest."  
  
Fred: "Why don't you girls just stop arguing, he can make his own choices!"  
  
Fred turns to Xander  
  
Fred: "Hi, I'm Winifred, I know we don't know each other that well..."  
  
Wes & Gunn: "FRED!"  
  
Cordy: "You hussy!"  
  
Fred: (newt sounds)  
  
Xander: "Willow! Change her back!"  
  
Connor: "Was that magic?"  
  
Lorne (sarcastically): "No, she just does that sometimes."  
  
Connor: "Oh."  
  
Cordy smacks him.  
  
Faith: "Fine, Red, you wanna play rough?" (Faith yanks Willow's hair)  
  
Xander: "Hey! Stop that!"  
  
Cordy tackles Faith  
  
Gunn, Wes and Lorne: "Yes!."  
  
Lorne: "Okay, she's a Slayer and can kill and Cordy's trained as well. Why are they fighting like such girls?"  
  
Angel: "It's a catfight."  
  
Connor: "There are no cats here."  
  
Newt Fred: newt sounds (runs over to Xander and climbs up his pants legs)  
  
Xander stomps over to Connor and punches him in the face.  
  
Xander: "Hey! Get out of my pants!"  
  
Connor: "Ow!"  
  
Angel: "That'll show 'im!"  
  
Connor: "Dad!"  
  
Gunn: "Man, get my girlfriend out of your pants!"  
  
Angel: "I mean, bad Xander, stop."  
  
Xander: "I'm trying, but she's... oh, that tickles, got a hold!"  
  
Wes (pointing): "I can see her, right there!"  
  
Xander: "Uh... that's not her."  
  
Other guys: "Whoa..."  
  
Connor: "What's that?"  
  
Angel: "Connor, go to your room."  
  
Xander: "Something Cordy made clear you don't have."  
  
Faith: "You stupid bitch! I claimed him when we screwed!"  
  
Cordy: "He was my first love!"  
  
Connor: "It wasn't me?"  
  
Guys: "No!"  
  
Lorne (watching Cordy, Willow, and Faith roll around on the floor pulling each other's hair): "So this is heaven."  
  
Willow: "He was my first love, too!"  
  
Cordy: "Well, he'd still be mine if it hadn't been for you!"  
  
Xander: (pulling newt from his pants) "Gunn, I think you're one very lucky man..."  
  
Faith: "No way, I'd have taken him from both of you long ago!"  
  
Willow: "Maybe, if you weren't too busy trying to KILL US!"  
  
Wes: "I think I can turn her back into a human, hold on." (does a small spell and Fred returns to human form... naked)  
  
Guys: "Thank you god."  
  
Xander: "Wow..."  
  
Cordy: "FRED, WHAT ARE YOU DOING NAKED!"  
  
Fred: "Guys! Hi. I seem to be having a slight case of nudity."  
  
Lorne: "But you're not a newt, so call it an upside."  
  
Cordy, Faith and Willow see Fred naked: "HUSSY!" (girls pull Fred into the pile)  
  
Gunn: "You brought her back naked?"  
  
Xander: "This just got more interesting..."  
  
Wes: "It wasn't intentional... not entirely."  
  
Fabric flies from the pile of women  
  
Xander: "Um, they're fighting over me."  
  
Faith: "That was my shirt, you whore!"  
  
Cordy: "I just bought this blouse!"  
  
Angel: "Maybe they're possessed?"  
  
Wes: "Yes, that may be... I'll look into it... later."  
  
Lorne: "Wait, are Faith and Cordy topless?"  
  
Gunn: "Much later."  
  
Xander: "Still in their bras I think. Angel, do you have any popcorn?"  
  
Connor: "What are those?"  
  
Guys: "Connor! Go to your room!"  
  
Gunn: "I'll be back, getting the video camera."  
  
Xander: "Good thinking."  
  
Willow: "Whoever's hand is grabbing me, STOP, we aren't dating!"  
  
Wes: "We have some cold beverages in the fridge."  
  
Lorne: "I'll get... that's an interesting position."  
  
Gunn returns: "Whoa, did the redhead's top just go flying?"  
  
Xander: "No, that was her skirt."  
  
Angel: "I think the PTB are rewarding us."  
  
Xander: "It's about damn time."  
  
Gunn: "Wes... why don't you go get those beers?"  
  
Angel: "I love their incentive program."  
  
Xander gets hit in the head by a pair of panties: "Hey, I recognize these..."  
  
Connor: "So do I..."  
  
Xander: "I didn't even see Cordy's pants come off."  
  
Gunn: "Look again, they didn't."  
  
Guys except Connor: "Oh that had to hurt."  
  
Fred: "Flesh! That's my flesh!"  
  
Xander tosses Cordy's panties over Connor's head. Connor inhales deeply.  
  
Guys: "Oh, that's gross."  
  
Angel backhand's Connor, knocking him out.  
  
Guys applaud Angel.  
  
Willow: "I don't know who's hand that is, but either stop it or let me thank you later!"  
  
Xander: "That's my Willow."  
  
Gunn: "I didn't know Cordy had a tattoo there."  
  
Among catfighting sounds a moan and seven short squeaks are heard  
  
Gunn & Wes: "I know that sound."  
  
Wes (to Gunn): "Bygones, this is too important."  
  
Gunn (to Wes): "Agreed."  
  
Fred goes flying from the pile, and lays there exhausted, yet satisfied.  
  
Gunn: "That's my girl."  
  
Lorne takes off his jacket and covers the naked woman.  
  
Angel: "I hope Willow made my soul permanent, not sure if I can take too much more..."  
  
Xander: "Eww."  
  
Faith: "Hey! Hands off the boobs!"  
  
Wes: "Lorne, why'd you take away the show?"  
  
Xander: "She's unconscious man. Let it go."  
  
Cordy: "Be glad I'm not biting... Wait, I will bite." (screams from pile)  
  
Gunn: "Plus, what if Connor wakes up and gets all drooly over Fred like he is over Cordy?"  
  
Guys shudder  
  
Fred regains some consciousness with a silly grin and crawls back toward the pile  
  
Lorne grabs his jacket: "I love the fight, but I'm not letting you ruin my jacket."  
  
Cordy: "Bad hole! Bad hole!"  
  
Xander: "Hate to see her go but man I love to watch her leave."  
  
Willow: "Shut up Cordy and take it like a man!"  
  
Guys: "Whoa."  
  
Faith: "Hands like that she could be a man!"  
  
Xander: "Damn, Mistress of Pain is back."  
  
Angel: "I think I'm glad to see it, this time."  
  
Willow: "Ow, the whole thing won't fit."  
  
Xander: "It's good from a safe distance."  
  
Fred: "That's my foot!"  
  
Faith: "Damn, my hand's stuck!"  
  
Cordy: "Who keeps poking me there?"  
  
Wes: "I'm pretty sure that's illegal in this state... OW, that's illegal in this dimension!"  
  
Fred: "Oh damn, whoever's doing that do it again!"  
  
Xander: "I won't report them if you don't"  
  
Lorne: "Think this video could be sold?"  
  
Gunn: "Wes, if you report the, you'll join Connor on the floor."  
  
Wes: "Who said anything about reporting? I was merely observi... oh my."  
  
Angel: "Do they remember what they're fighting about?"  
  
Xander: "If not, I'll remind them."  
  
Fred: "DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT!?!"  
  
Guys Grimace  
  
Lorne: "At this point, bossman, does it really matter?"  
  
Fred: "Oh, no, that's okay though."  
  
Guys grin  
  
Xander: "I just got an amazing idea, be right back."  
  
Angel: "Now I'm worried."  
  
Faith: "That's my face you're sitting on!"  
  
Cordy: "Hey, that was my bra!"  
  
Willow: "Well then you know what to do with what's on your faaAAAACE!!"  
  
Gunn: "Xander! You're missing it!"  
  
Angel (grabbing the bra): "Keepsake."  
  
Xander runs back from the kitchen with a bottle of cooking oil.  
  
Angel: "Genius"  
  
Guys cheer Xander as he pours it on the pile of women.  
  
Wes: "I'll never doubt his intelligence again."  
  
Gunn: "He got girls like that, and you ever did?"  
  
Faith: "AH, that slid in easier... WHOA, don't put the other in beside it!"  
  
Wes: "He only slept with one of them."  
  
Lorne: "I think they've stopped fighting."  
  
Willow: "OH SWEET LEAPING JESUS!"  
  
Angel: "I thought she was Jewish."  
  
Xander: "Maybe she converted."  
  
Cordy: "STOP MAKING A FIST!"  
  
Lorne: "Oh that's going to leave a mark."  
  
Fred: "Whose tongue is that?"  
  
Cordy (muffled): "Idunnwo"  
  
A pair of pants goes flying.  
  
Xander: "Leather. That's Faith."  
  
Faith: "There was nothing under those!"  
  
Wes: "I'm willing to bet she's wrong..."  
  
Gunn: "I don't even want to know what they were doing to her with her pants still on... Actually I do."  
  
Lorne: "Are they all naked now?"  
  
Xander: "I think Will still has her panties and bra... no, there those go."  
  
Guys watch, drooling.  
  
Angel: "Faith has a bra, I think."  
  
Connor (waking up and looking): "What's happening?"  
  
Wes (to Angel): "Don't tell us tell them."  
  
Gunn punches Connor in the head, knocking him out. Guys applaud.  
  
Willow: "Hey, I feel cloth!"  
  
Xander: "Here we go."  
  
Wes: "You know, I just had an idea..."  
  
Ripping sounds are heard as Wes dashes off.  
  
Faith: "Now they're just bouncing!"  
  
Wes runs back in with four stakes and some sandpaper.  
  
Gunn: "You aren't thinking..."  
  
Xander: "Wes, I love you man."  
  
Cordy: "Could who ever that is start moving again?"  
  
Angel: "I am so going to lose my soul."  
  
Xander: "Willow will put it back in."  
  
Cordy: "WILLOW PUT IT BACK IN... YES!"  
  
Gunn: "Plus, could Angelus kill people while watching this?"  
  
Willow: "Okay, now that's my face!"  
  
Faith: "Turn about's fair plaAAAYY!! OH GOD!"  
  
Angel: "IF Angelus could kill while this was going on just dust him."  
  
Xander: "Done and done."  
  
Lorne: "No, I don't think they're done yet"  
  
Wes tosses the freshly rounded and smoothed stakes into the pile of women.  
  
Gunn: "Now this will be interesting."  
  
Angel: "Hey where'd it go?"  
  
Cordy: "DEEPER!"  
  
Fred: "WHOAA!!"  
  
Willow: "MORE!"  
  
Xander: "Wait, which one?"  
  
Fred: "Ow!"  
  
Faith: "Is that all you got!? WHOA, YEAH BABY!"  
  
Gunn: "I think maybe..."  
  
Cordy: "Hey, watch it with that thing!"  
  
Fred: "DON'T PUT BOTH IN!"  
  
Wes: "On the other hand..."  
  
Angel: "Wes, keep sanding."  
  
A lot of screams, gasp and pants sound out then an unconscious, and naked, Willow squirts out. Xander covers her with his jacket.  
  
Wes: "If I don't keep sanding I might end up doing something else with my hands."  
  
Xander: "Look at the smile on her face."  
  
Willow (groggy): "He's MY Xander....."  
  
Wes tosses four more smoothed stakes into the pile right as Willow starts to wake up  
  
Connor: "I know somebody hit me that time."  
  
Willow sees Xander looking at her: "My Xander..."  
  
She wraps her jacket around her and starts to climb up his leg.  
  
A stake flies out and hits Connor in the head.  
  
Faith: "Where did that go!?"  
  
Wes: "Look what's on that..." (tosses it back in)  
  
Fred: "Hey, Willow's on Xander!"  
  
Girls grow silent  
  
Guys: "Uh oh."  
  
Faith: "That slut!"  
  
Cordy: "Get her!"  
  
Fred: "No mercy!"  
  
Xander: "Uh. stop!"  
  
Xander: "Ladies. Ladies. Remember what Faith said? Four times in 20 minutes"  
  
Angel: "Where is he going with this?"  
  
Xander: "There are four of you, and we have some time. and I've had lots of practice since then."  
  
Gunn: "He couldn't possibly"  
  
Wes: "I think he's going to."  
  
Gunn: "I mean, that is my girlfriend in there."  
  
Xander: "What I'm saying is, ladies... I think we should leave these boys here and find ourselves a room.  
  
Lorne: "I can't believe he's doing it."  
  
Girls drool over themselves.  
  
Angel: "Wait a minute! What about us!"  
  
Girls: "Shut up!"  
  
Gunn: "Well... they raise a good point."  
  
Faith: "So does he."  
  
Xander grins and leads the ladies up the stairs  
  
Xander (yelling behind him):"Sorry guys... this is a private show."  
  
A door slams. The guys all sit down dejectedly.  
  
Angel: "Wes?"  
  
Wes: "Yes?"  
  
Angel: "Rewind that tape:  
  
Gunn: "I'll get the popcorn:  
  
Lorne: "Drink duty."  
  
Everybody returns with their goods, Angel starts the video and sits down.  
  
Wes: "I still want to know about that bomb."  
  
END


End file.
